Freedom Sucks

I have sprung myself from the clutches of a mental institution (I finished my program there) and the real world is way harder than living in the institution. People do not understand how easy the world is when you are inside an institution. I am not sure, but people coming out of jails, juvie, long hospital stays and work in mine/lumber camps often feel the same way. In the other place everything is organised; your meals are prepared, there are people to look after you and there is a predictable schedule.

And then there is the time-dirty reality outside the walls. Where life has no schedule except what you give it and no one is looking after you. It is a harsh switch to have to make. I am trying to keep myself to a timetable, but it is hard when there is no one but yourself to keep you on track. My life has now become an attempt to keep me occupied and doing the things that will keep me healthy.

Wish me luck,

Goonius

Self Esteem and Mental Patients

Being a mental patient is a strange experience for me. I am in a wonderful hospital with wonderful staff, volunteers and various strips of crazy folk. I feel strange. There is a new stigma attached to me, in addition to my mental illness and learning disability. Now, I have been in a funny farm. I am trying to cut out the labels from my life, trying to cut out words like "broken", "wrong" and "outside" as they apply to me. Self esteem building is what I am trying to do. Unfortunately, there is no formula for fixing self esteem, no process by which self esteem can be generated externally. It needs to grow from within.

And it is delicate. Fragile like a southern flower in Timmins. The smallest thing can pull me down and it can take weeks for me to grow myself back into shape. But I am becoming more resilient. Thanks to being a mental patient in a mental institution. Treat food and exercise as medicine. Do not isolate yourself. Reach out and help as that will help you.

I am trying to be a good citizen and get back to being productive. I am months away from that, but I am getting better. I hope you are all pulling for me.

Goonius Maximus

Feeling Good

Today I woke up happy. I did not feel numb, not broken, lost or out of place. I did not even feel content. I was happy. For the mentally ill in the western world, Christmas is a loaded time. In addition to what ever difficulties one is already facing, the Christmas need for good cheer can be overwhelming. now that Christmas is done and over with, I can feel myself easing up on myself and the restrictions I place on myself.

The week prior to Christmas, my lady and I went and exchanged gifts with out friends. That was a very good thing, but seeing so many people in such a short period of time was difficult. I was so tired of painting masks over myself that I did not get to spend the time with my sister-in-law and her husband that I wanted to. And I hid out at home playing Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood with my doggies.

I am sad that I missed out on that opportunity, but I needed to chill out on my own. Sorting out my place in the world, redefining myself, all that bullshit that keeps me hiding in my home away from the world. My place is fluid in the world and I am trying to realign my thinking to that end.

Sorry for the rambling post, but I hope you will understand that I needed this on "paper" to remember that I had a Happy Day.

Thanks for listening,

Goonius Maximus