I feel so low and quiet today. My sense of not belonging has risen inspite of having made a bit of progress on a couple of projects that I have been working on. I am not suicidal now. I just feel like I don't fit; I'm the ulimate square peg in the round hole. There is no reason for this. Either I lag behind or I lunge forward; a man who is never to be on the same wavelength as anyone.
The worst part about this is that I know that this is bullshit. There are places where I belong, people who 'get' me. But my perceptions are so very skewed, I have a difficult time believing that I am in the time and place where I fit.
God, grant me the courage to face my greatest enemy, myself.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Thursday, May 03, 2007
My Slightly Less Shattered Mind.
Greetings, fans. My sister-in-law turned me on to a book called "Driven to Distraction". This book is about Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). For those of you who are unaware, I have a mild case of ADD. I can recall going through school wondering how I could talk the talk, but have such a difficult time writing for them, especially during tests. My spelling is god-awful, and the coherence of my writing can leave much to be desired. I knew it had something to do with me, but I was sure that I was just lazy. I never really believed ADD was the issue. In high school I got a bit of extra time to write English and history exams. Then some bright light (thanks, Mom) realised that this could affect my math abilities. And then my marks in math (75%) jumped up to 85-90. And I began to understand what was going on with me.
When I went to university, I tried to advocate on my behalf with regards to my learning disability, but I hit a major depressive slump. After I bombed out of Queen's Engineering, I took a year of arts at Laurentian University. I rocked that year, but mostly because I knew most of the things that were being taught all ready. I then went back to engineering at the University of Ottawa, where I did much better, again mostly because of my previous exposure to the material. I managed U of O reasonably well, even if I went into some exams learning the material as I went. Even though I have always had a major problem with procrastination, my best marks came in my last semester when I was taking seven courses. When I was doing so much that my mind had to be focused. This is explained in Driven to Distraction.
The thing that is currently driving me nuts is that my depressive episodes and procrastination and even the anger that has bubbled up on this blog are all things associated with learning disabilities in general and ADD in particular. I (or someone) should have realised where these feelings were coming from. This book recommended by my sister-in-law listed the secondary symptoms of ADD as (among others) anger, procrastination and depression. I think this is the key to the difficulties I have been having with myself at work. The difficulties that Sandra is going through do not help, but the core of the problem is within me.
So, for the first time in a long time I have hope for a permanent solution to my difficulties that does not involve Sandra getting better. This feels much better that sitting and waiting for her to get better.
When I went to university, I tried to advocate on my behalf with regards to my learning disability, but I hit a major depressive slump. After I bombed out of Queen's Engineering, I took a year of arts at Laurentian University. I rocked that year, but mostly because I knew most of the things that were being taught all ready. I then went back to engineering at the University of Ottawa, where I did much better, again mostly because of my previous exposure to the material. I managed U of O reasonably well, even if I went into some exams learning the material as I went. Even though I have always had a major problem with procrastination, my best marks came in my last semester when I was taking seven courses. When I was doing so much that my mind had to be focused. This is explained in Driven to Distraction.
The thing that is currently driving me nuts is that my depressive episodes and procrastination and even the anger that has bubbled up on this blog are all things associated with learning disabilities in general and ADD in particular. I (or someone) should have realised where these feelings were coming from. This book recommended by my sister-in-law listed the secondary symptoms of ADD as (among others) anger, procrastination and depression. I think this is the key to the difficulties I have been having with myself at work. The difficulties that Sandra is going through do not help, but the core of the problem is within me.
So, for the first time in a long time I have hope for a permanent solution to my difficulties that does not involve Sandra getting better. This feels much better that sitting and waiting for her to get better.
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