Getting Back to Work

I have been off work for quite some time. My crazy brain would not let me slow down, and the fear that I felt about going back to work was insane. The universe has created a large and nasty place inside me. It made me afraid to go out in public for no good reason. But, that is coming to an end and I am feeling so rocken'. For the first time in quite some time, the universe does not completely suck.

This is not to say that my nerves have completely healed. But I have insisted in making my work environment conform to my needs. I have tried to set myself up for success as much a possible.

The Good Goon.

Medication and Me

I hate being on meds for anything. I really don't like being on meds for mental illness. It feels like a failure somehow. My doc changed my prescription, adding in something to keep the ADD (see bellow) down. She said that there may be "some anxiety".

My brain feels like it has stepped back 5 months, to when I was really shattered. Fuckn' meds. I just want to be better. I want to not be afraid to go outside.

I will be better. I hope.

Time will tell.

Fuge in Goonius Minor

I feel so low and quiet today. My sense of not belonging has risen inspite of having made a bit of progress on a couple of projects that I have been working on. I am not suicidal now. I just feel like I don't fit; I'm the ulimate square peg in the round hole. There is no reason for this. Either I lag behind or I lunge forward; a man who is never to be on the same wavelength as anyone.

The worst part about this is that I know that this is bullshit. There are places where I belong, people who 'get' me. But my perceptions are so very skewed, I have a difficult time believing that I am in the time and place where I fit.

God, grant me the courage to face my greatest enemy, myself.

My Slightly Less Shattered Mind.

Greetings, fans. My sister-in-law turned me on to a book called "Driven to Distraction". This book is about Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). For those of you who are unaware, I have a mild case of ADD. I can recall going through school wondering how I could talk the talk, but have such a difficult time writing for them, especially during tests. My spelling is god-awful, and the coherence of my writing can leave much to be desired. I knew it had something to do with me, but I was sure that I was just lazy. I never really believed ADD was the issue. In high school I got a bit of extra time to write English and history exams. Then some bright light (thanks, Mom) realised that this could affect my math abilities. And then my marks in math (75%) jumped up to 85-90. And I began to understand what was going on with me.

When I went to university, I tried to advocate on my behalf with regards to my learning disability, but I hit a major depressive slump. After I bombed out of Queen's Engineering, I took a year of arts at Laurentian University. I rocked that year, but mostly because I knew most of the things that were being taught all ready. I then went back to engineering at the University of Ottawa, where I did much better, again mostly because of my previous exposure to the material. I managed U of O reasonably well, even if I went into some exams learning the material as I went. Even though I have always had a major problem with procrastination, my best marks came in my last semester when I was taking seven courses. When I was doing so much that my mind had to be focused. This is explained in Driven to Distraction.

The thing that is currently driving me nuts is that my depressive episodes and procrastination and even the anger that has bubbled up on this blog are all things associated with learning disabilities in general and ADD in particular. I (or someone) should have realised where these feelings were coming from. This book recommended by my sister-in-law listed the secondary symptoms of ADD as (among others) anger, procrastination and depression. I think this is the key to the difficulties I have been having with myself at work. The difficulties that Sandra is going through do not help, but the core of the problem is within me.

So, for the first time in a long time I have hope for a permanent solution to my difficulties that does not involve Sandra getting better. This feels much better that sitting and waiting for her to get better.

Dogs and Sandra

For as long as I have known My Lady Sandra, dogs have been an important part of her life. But, dogs and I have until 2 years ago had a somewhat distant relationship. I was afraid of dogs. When I was little (in the NWT) a great big sled dog tried to maul me and my bother. My mom was there, but she could pick us both up and walk away, nor could she fight the dog. Since that day, I have been terrified of dogs.

Sandra's family used to have a beautiful dog named Barney. It was difficult for me to come to her house and face the dog. Now, Barney in no way was a bad dog. Except he would occasionally get excited (as border collies will get). Once or twice he freaked me out and I had to disappear from Sandra's home to get my mental feet back under me. When Sandra realised how difficult it was for me to be around Barney, she began to teach me about dogs. And Barney and I became fast friends. I did unfortunatley retain much of my nervousness around other dogs.

When I married Sandra, I knew there would be dogs in the future. Sometime far in the future, I thought. We were beginning to show the symptoms of many of the things I have written about elsewhere in this blog. About two and a half years ago Sandra asked me "Could we get a dog?"

And I said, "No, lets sort out our relationship first. I am still a bit afraid of having a dog in my own home."

She replied "When would you be ready?"

"When could you be more intimate with me?"

A brief verbal struggle ensued. I then realised that Sandra's problems were big. To big for me to deal with. This dog fight was the turning point in my understanding of Sandra's problems. After she came back from cooling off, I told her that I was ready to have a dog in the house. In six monthes. That moment was the happiest I had seen her in months. That is how Merlin came to be in our house.

Some time later, Sandra came to me with a lone puppy story. Her parents had found someone whose dog was having puppies. All the puppies were spoken for but one. And Sandra wanted that one. I caved. A couple of weeks later, Loki came home.

Now, Sandra does most of the work with the dogs and I get to play with them. It is a good deal. Our dogs heal us. We each needed someone to sit with us, when we were not feeling well, someone that would not judge us or speak with words. There are times when words do not matter. That is when it is time for our dogs. Sometimes it is better to give in.

Fire and Fog

I look for fire today. I seek passion and union. A thick fog causes me to lose my way. Which way do I turn? Every glow I follow leads me down a broken bridge, a deep pond or ends in swamp glow.

So, I continue to chase likely glows. Hoping that I may find the one that leads to my prefered campfire. I fight my way in the dark in an atempt to find my fire, my passion.

There has been to much fog in my life.

Of Pain and Shadows

In momments my day goes dark.
What once was a bright and new,
Has fallen down
With the wieght of mercury.

I hide the new pain,
Adding it to the old,
Not wanting to give this shadow
To a friend.

Flutters of the Heart

My heart pounds in my chest in fear,
You lie curled up, hands shaking at your head
A fire in your insides
That arrives from the past.

Then my heart pounds faster,
As the rage inside me wells up,
At my own impotence
While you rock gently in my arms.

And then I worry
When heart skips a beat,
And I can feel the touch of you
When you are accross the room.

Dragon Talking

My last post was composed using Dragon Naturally Speaking. It is the easiest words have flown out with me on to paper or computer ever. It was an interesting experience, and I like it. Please let me know what you think.

There be Monsters

I am forever surprised at the nature of the human monster. I am surprised by the kind of things that people can do to other people. Whether they were documented historically, from Roman times, or during World War II or the things that happened to my wife.

Most recently, and most frighteningly, my wife had a flashback while walking the dogs the other day. When we were three houses away from home. She very nearly could no longer walk due to the strength of her flashback. In bygone eras, these symptoms would merely be labelled as crazy. And she would be expected to get on with her life. In our more enlightened time, she is getting the support she needs from councillors, from work and from family. And I'm grateful for the support.

However, in spite of all this help, she still has difficulties, some three years after beginning treatment. And while what happened to her may not compare with what happened to others during World War II or during the Roman era, what happened to her was bad enough. It makes me angry that a life can be stolen with such ease. The world continues to turn. My anger and pain will not change that. Patience remains my most difficult virtue to practice.

A Fight With the Wolves Inside

I look at myself in a mirror,
The two sides of myself I see
My wolf of noble intent and strength
Contends with the black wolf of me.

These wolves circle around myself
And I wonder which will win
As I look for a hint of who's stronger,
The brawl increases the din.

I clap my hands over my ears,
I beg for the two to stop
They remain a ball of teeth and fur
And neither one will drop.

And I realize that they are me,
And only I am the judge.
I must pick one o'er the other.
One wins, the other must budge...

While this battle is done,
The war still rages afar.
The wolves come back, now and again
And I must choose a winner.

Doctor's Orders

My family doctor has "suggested" that I stay home from work for the next couple of weeks. My concentration is down and I am making amateur mistakes at work. And I crashed my truck not to long ago. And my appetite is down. And I am not sleeping well. And there are a couple of other symptoms of a fairly deep depression.

So, I am currently spending my days playing with my dogs, reading novels, and getting some work done around the house. Our place has been a bit of a disaster over the holidays, and there are several little things that need fixing or upgrading that I have been trying to find the energy to deal with. My shrink thinks that my activities are good, but it feels like to little to me. There is nothing that deals with the root causes of the difficulties I am having in my plans. And there is little I hate more than being unable to deal with problems head on.

Awash in a sea of grey,
A gull cries again,
I walk alone.