Circles of Shadow

I stand apart, looking out
past a shadow clinging to me
eclipsing my personal light

Looking around, I see
bright glows from others
their shadow seems less

The air resists my movement
a wind felt only in the pressure
against my struggle for change

When I have found a suitable
resting point, my shadow again falls
forcing my sight to look out again.

Looking at the world
I wish
I was part of it.

Renewed Wrong

I have tried to post here for some time. My life has spiralled away from me, and talking with you seemed to help in the past. I am at a loss.

I am again off work due to brain issues. I panic at the thought of responsibility, when once I coveted it. There seems to be a stain on my personality that I am attempting to cover up. I am scared, even in places where no one knows me, that someone will see through this wrongness in me. That they will notice the stain and... mock me or something. Three shrinks are working on me now and progress is being made, but I know that depression/anxiety is more like diabetes than a broken arm. A broken arm heals and is whole again, where diabetes must be managed as an eternal condition.

And that sucks.

Fighting Boredom

Bored.

Bored, bored, bored, bored.

Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored.

My ennui is growing lately. I am trying to find excitement, but it is eluding me. Like the reflection of a spark on the water when I reach for excitement I find the cold and wet feeling of fear. I feel lost and alone. Again.

Hopefully now that I have named this, I can go on to confront this. I do not wish to lose myself again, not when I have so recently found myself.

Thanks for listening,

Goonius

Paying Attention in a Failing Economy

One of the most frustrating limitations that I have as a person is that I do not pick up on hints. It is not something that I can do well. At work these last couple of months, there has been an impression of words going over my head again. That is more that a bit frustrating. It becomes even more frustrating because I have a difficult time distinguishing between slips of the tongue, back handed complements and actual praise.

Now work is slowing down for me. There is work on the horizon, but not work right now. And so I wonder if there is a layoff in my future. I do not think so, but the possibility is there. So, I now am worrying about that and what people say to me seems layered with meaning. And I am not in a good frame of mind to decode secret messages.

Fuck 'em. I will continue to do as good a job as I can, and let the chips fall where they may.

New Trumpet

I have joined a local concert band. My trumpet playing is not great, but it gets the job done and I am enjoying it. But, I do not own a trumpet of my own. So, a deal was struck. My lady needs a soprano sax. I need a trumpet. If we save, we should be able to afford those sometime in mid-April. It should be noted that my lady already owns an alto sax and a tenor sax. Also, a soprano sax costs about $3,000, where my trumpet costs $300. At some point I will have to leverage this disparity into something. Suggestions are welcome.

Goonius

Things for the Good

I am going to try a positive post, as I have noticed that my last few posts have be been rants of an angry sort. This is not the frame of mind I am trying to project these days. So, the good things that are happening (in list form);

1. I have a great wife, who is becoming more and more comfortable with herself and me.

2. I got a raise. Not a huge raise, but money is money.

3. I have job security, which in this time is important to remember.

4. There are two dogs that are generally good and like me.

5. I have a large and widely scattered group of family and friends who will back me up even if they have not seen me for a long time.

I am doing good. I just need to remind myself of that.

Thanks,

Goonius Maximus.

Merry Fucking Christmas

This Christmas is going to be awkward. My in laws have just begun divorce proceedings. Whee, that makes a great topic for the dinner table after exchanging gifts. "So, your marriage of 30 years is down the tubes? I am sorry to hear that. Pass the gravy, please?"

I don't quite know how to respond to this. My family is far from perfect, but my mom and dad are together and have always been together. They may have hunted dinosaures together back in the day. They still are wandering around the North West Territories together. And I thought the same of my in laws. But there was always something not being said around the table, the missing words an undercurrent to all that was being said. I have come to know that my mom is unique in dealing with things as they are in a family situation. Dad can hide his thoughts a bit, but will gently try to find the source of the problem. And I get pissed off with dealing with only symptoms.

In this case, it is not appropriate for me to go digging for the truth. I have no real clue why my in laws have split up. But, I don't think that the split will actually solve any problems. I know there was no infidelity, no abuse, no concrete reason I can find for them to have gone there separate ways.

I am left confused and unable to sate my curiosity. That is the root of my discomfort. But the symptoms rough as well. With whom does my sister in law stay when she comes up? Where will Christmas dinner be? If my lady has difficulties that she needs a parent for, where does she go? Will the other parent be upset for not being picked? Many of these questions have been resolved for this Christmas, but they will have to be revisited for every holiday from now on.

Questions without answers. That is the untidy part of my world these days.

Thanks for listening.

Angsty Poetry

As I crash into the void of my heart
A thought occurs:
If this is nothing,
Why does it hurt?

Sex and Drugs

Sex should be fun. Sex should not be something to hide from, not something to cause one to cringe away. However, due to what has happened with my lady and the meds that I am on, that is what sex has become for us.

The brief moments of sensual connection are replaced by fear on my part. I am afraid that I am pushing to hard for sex, that I am moving to fast and will trigger a flashback in my lady. But I deserve something physical, right? I am her lover.

She is afraid that if something does not happen, I will be disapointed and leave her. Then, the dissapointment she feels with herself sets in. "Why can't I do this? It is natural and good, right? But I feel all disgusting and ashamed."

And so the situation spirals out of control. I want something natural, cannot have it and pressure her without meaning to. My lady feels the pressure, tries to act in concert with what she is feeling and realises that she cannot because she feels broken and unworthy. And unless one of us is in a perceptive mood, this spiral can only end poorly.

The most frustrating part of this is that my lady wants some good lovin'. She does get aroused, but the feelings confuse and frustrate her. She is unable to act on those feelings or to acknowlage them as being normal. And my meds make it difficult to "get off". So, those rare times when we can be intimate, she can end up feeling even worse because I do not finish.

Thanks for listening.

Of Muck and Mire

Over the last three days, I was doing a good job. I came home and the good feeling left me. When I have been away for a time at work, I sometimes have a rough time adjusting to being home again. My lady has been sick to her stomach for some time now and is a bit touched in the head from her last therapy session. And I am exhausted. If you can avoid it, never go tramping about the swamps of northern Ontario in November. Try to keep your sanity and knock your face into a wall. It is less painful and is over faster.

I don't know if because I am a big boy with small feet that I sink into swamps easier, but I spent most of Tuesday with two boots full of cold water tramping about looking for snow concealed muck pits. My toes may never forgive me. Add to that, I was having difficulty eating. I never managed to stir my lazy carcass out of bed with enough time for breakfast and I worked through the lunches. I had big dinners, but I missed my three squares a day for no good reason. All this, plus being away from my support makes maintaining my mental health difficult.

So, the Muck and Mire of my title is not only in the real world, but in my mind as well. I am beginning to want to write black poetry and my wrists are itching to be scratched open to let the bad out. I have been putting one foot in front of the other with out a plan for too long, I think. Now is the time look to the horizon, to get the itch to move out of the mire and on to other things.

Fair winds

Meds and Control

I hate medications. Their value and contribution to society cannot be understated and the increase in my quality of life has been substantially improved by meds. However, I hate taking them. It feels too much like allowing control of my body to be passed onto a chemical. This reluctance to allow chemicals into my life also contributes to an irrational reluctance to eat and drink. I am Goonius, I need no food nor water!

This whole feeling of helplessness in the face of chemicals has also led me to be somewhat contemptuous of some safety concerns around chemicals. I am Goonius, I can take it. Given that my job occasionally takes me into some nasty industrial areas, this is not a good concern. This struck home to me when my brother, who has very similar feelings towards medicine and chemicals as me, caught arsenic poisoning in his place of employment. His work at the time involved cleaning up arsenic and he would then smoke, inhaling the arsenic on his hands into his lungs. Now, the company he is working for has regular arsenic tests, so this situation was caught before it could become a real health problem, but this has changed my outlook on chemicals in general and pharmacology in particular. I realize my meds are not taking control of me, they are allowing me to take control. And safety is always the priority.

Changes in Life; Changes in Me

My lady continues to improve. Her strength and determination are an inspiration to me. I, however, am devolving somewhat. If you have been reading this rant for a bit now, you will know that my lady has been going through some rough times lately. She is strong and improving, but little things get her down sometimes. And our sex life is... complicated and rare (but improving and exciting).

Yet, I am finding myself more and more run down by work. I am attempting to assert myself at work, but it does not come naturally to negotiate with authority. Generaly, I have been a good little cog in large machine. I work as I have always worked; push untill I break. That is no longer going to be my operating model, and the bosses here are having some difficulty coming to terms with that. These assertions are not made easier by me wanting to loose my cool or beginning to stutter as I approach a the key point I am trying to make. But I am making these points and becoming more confident. I have managed to secure vacation time longer than a long weekend this summer for the first time scince my honeymoon five years ago (not counting time off for crazy). I am improving, but I see that I have a long way to go.

Thanks for listening,

Goonius Maximus

Confessions of a Nerd.

Has anyone heard of Star Fleet Battles? (crickets) It is a board game I played in my misspent youth, based on the original Star Trek series. It is one of the most complecated games around. I personaly still have a 3" binder of rules (and I don't have all of them). After some heated arguments atempting to resolve the rules, the game was abandoned by my associates and I. I have discovered a lighter version of Star Fleet Battles called Federation Commander. And I have fallen in love with it.

The game manages to keep the flow of Star Fleet Battles while losing the many complications that bogged down the game system. I am really enjoying this game. Now, I just need to con some friends into coming out and playing a fleet action...

Self Worth

I have fought to be where I am. I have a good job, good chances for promotion. I have a wife who is on the mend in a most enjoyable way, and I still feel shattered. I don’t like that. It feels like I am becoming less instead of more, shirking rather than rising to the occasion. I am attempting to rise. But, there is no buoyancy in me. It escaped, fled rather than play with me.

My soul is hurt and I cannot find the wound. And the wound does not matter. It is the scar that matters. I am a good employee. I am not afraid of hard work. I am a good husband and dog owner. I am a good brother and son. I have many skills to go with my flaws. I am told that my good bits out weigh the bad bits. I must prove this to myself in order to overcome this.

I am a good person. I am worth something.

Seeing What You Have

Good things are coming to me. It has taken some time for these good things to be realised or appreciated, but they are arriving. I have a job in which they have let me be as messed up as possible with out criminal charges, and they still want me. I have a good, growing and spreading group of friends. They are literally from coast to coast to (almost) coast. My lady is continuing improving her attitude and is becoming more … intimate.

The difficulty is that my life still feels stuck in stasis, held in place or cuffed to something large and heavy. I don’t feel the motion of my life, but if I look back I can see improvements. Sandra is becoming quite the tease, which is fun. But, at work, were I am having some difficulty shaking loose from the materials manager. I am trying to spring free of him, but as he has been unable to keep any other techs, and I have become “the guy” in his mind. So, I have been getting into mine closures and hydrology. And I think I have managed to impress other people in other departments in the company, so hopefully I will shake loose now.

Thanks for listening.

Getting Back to Work

I have been off work for quite some time. My crazy brain would not let me slow down, and the fear that I felt about going back to work was insane. The universe has created a large and nasty place inside me. It made me afraid to go out in public for no good reason. But, that is coming to an end and I am feeling so rocken'. For the first time in quite some time, the universe does not completely suck.

This is not to say that my nerves have completely healed. But I have insisted in making my work environment conform to my needs. I have tried to set myself up for success as much a possible.

The Good Goon.

Medication and Me

I hate being on meds for anything. I really don't like being on meds for mental illness. It feels like a failure somehow. My doc changed my prescription, adding in something to keep the ADD (see bellow) down. She said that there may be "some anxiety".

My brain feels like it has stepped back 5 months, to when I was really shattered. Fuckn' meds. I just want to be better. I want to not be afraid to go outside.

I will be better. I hope.

Time will tell.

Fuge in Goonius Minor

I feel so low and quiet today. My sense of not belonging has risen inspite of having made a bit of progress on a couple of projects that I have been working on. I am not suicidal now. I just feel like I don't fit; I'm the ulimate square peg in the round hole. There is no reason for this. Either I lag behind or I lunge forward; a man who is never to be on the same wavelength as anyone.

The worst part about this is that I know that this is bullshit. There are places where I belong, people who 'get' me. But my perceptions are so very skewed, I have a difficult time believing that I am in the time and place where I fit.

God, grant me the courage to face my greatest enemy, myself.

My Slightly Less Shattered Mind.

Greetings, fans. My sister-in-law turned me on to a book called "Driven to Distraction". This book is about Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). For those of you who are unaware, I have a mild case of ADD. I can recall going through school wondering how I could talk the talk, but have such a difficult time writing for them, especially during tests. My spelling is god-awful, and the coherence of my writing can leave much to be desired. I knew it had something to do with me, but I was sure that I was just lazy. I never really believed ADD was the issue. In high school I got a bit of extra time to write English and history exams. Then some bright light (thanks, Mom) realised that this could affect my math abilities. And then my marks in math (75%) jumped up to 85-90. And I began to understand what was going on with me.

When I went to university, I tried to advocate on my behalf with regards to my learning disability, but I hit a major depressive slump. After I bombed out of Queen's Engineering, I took a year of arts at Laurentian University. I rocked that year, but mostly because I knew most of the things that were being taught all ready. I then went back to engineering at the University of Ottawa, where I did much better, again mostly because of my previous exposure to the material. I managed U of O reasonably well, even if I went into some exams learning the material as I went. Even though I have always had a major problem with procrastination, my best marks came in my last semester when I was taking seven courses. When I was doing so much that my mind had to be focused. This is explained in Driven to Distraction.

The thing that is currently driving me nuts is that my depressive episodes and procrastination and even the anger that has bubbled up on this blog are all things associated with learning disabilities in general and ADD in particular. I (or someone) should have realised where these feelings were coming from. This book recommended by my sister-in-law listed the secondary symptoms of ADD as (among others) anger, procrastination and depression. I think this is the key to the difficulties I have been having with myself at work. The difficulties that Sandra is going through do not help, but the core of the problem is within me.

So, for the first time in a long time I have hope for a permanent solution to my difficulties that does not involve Sandra getting better. This feels much better that sitting and waiting for her to get better.

Dogs and Sandra

For as long as I have known My Lady Sandra, dogs have been an important part of her life. But, dogs and I have until 2 years ago had a somewhat distant relationship. I was afraid of dogs. When I was little (in the NWT) a great big sled dog tried to maul me and my bother. My mom was there, but she could pick us both up and walk away, nor could she fight the dog. Since that day, I have been terrified of dogs.

Sandra's family used to have a beautiful dog named Barney. It was difficult for me to come to her house and face the dog. Now, Barney in no way was a bad dog. Except he would occasionally get excited (as border collies will get). Once or twice he freaked me out and I had to disappear from Sandra's home to get my mental feet back under me. When Sandra realised how difficult it was for me to be around Barney, she began to teach me about dogs. And Barney and I became fast friends. I did unfortunatley retain much of my nervousness around other dogs.

When I married Sandra, I knew there would be dogs in the future. Sometime far in the future, I thought. We were beginning to show the symptoms of many of the things I have written about elsewhere in this blog. About two and a half years ago Sandra asked me "Could we get a dog?"

And I said, "No, lets sort out our relationship first. I am still a bit afraid of having a dog in my own home."

She replied "When would you be ready?"

"When could you be more intimate with me?"

A brief verbal struggle ensued. I then realised that Sandra's problems were big. To big for me to deal with. This dog fight was the turning point in my understanding of Sandra's problems. After she came back from cooling off, I told her that I was ready to have a dog in the house. In six monthes. That moment was the happiest I had seen her in months. That is how Merlin came to be in our house.

Some time later, Sandra came to me with a lone puppy story. Her parents had found someone whose dog was having puppies. All the puppies were spoken for but one. And Sandra wanted that one. I caved. A couple of weeks later, Loki came home.

Now, Sandra does most of the work with the dogs and I get to play with them. It is a good deal. Our dogs heal us. We each needed someone to sit with us, when we were not feeling well, someone that would not judge us or speak with words. There are times when words do not matter. That is when it is time for our dogs. Sometimes it is better to give in.