Feeling Good

Today I woke up happy. I did not feel numb, not broken, lost or out of place. I did not even feel content. I was happy. For the mentally ill in the western world, Christmas is a loaded time. In addition to what ever difficulties one is already facing, the Christmas need for good cheer can be overwhelming. now that Christmas is done and over with, I can feel myself easing up on myself and the restrictions I place on myself.

The week prior to Christmas, my lady and I went and exchanged gifts with out friends. That was a very good thing, but seeing so many people in such a short period of time was difficult. I was so tired of painting masks over myself that I did not get to spend the time with my sister-in-law and her husband that I wanted to. And I hid out at home playing Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood with my doggies.

I am sad that I missed out on that opportunity, but I needed to chill out on my own. Sorting out my place in the world, redefining myself, all that bullshit that keeps me hiding in my home away from the world. My place is fluid in the world and I am trying to realign my thinking to that end.

Sorry for the rambling post, but I hope you will understand that I needed this on "paper" to remember that I had a Happy Day.

Thanks for listening,

Goonius Maximus

Renewed Wrong

I have tried to post here for some time. My life has spiralled away from me, and talking with you seemed to help in the past. I am at a loss.

I am again off work due to brain issues. I panic at the thought of responsibility, when once I coveted it. There seems to be a stain on my personality that I am attempting to cover up. I am scared, even in places where no one knows me, that someone will see through this wrongness in me. That they will notice the stain and... mock me or something. Three shrinks are working on me now and progress is being made, but I know that depression/anxiety is more like diabetes than a broken arm. A broken arm heals and is whole again, where diabetes must be managed as an eternal condition.

And that sucks.