I have returned and I am ready to give writing a go. So, I am practicing writing here just to give things a try. It has been a long time since I have written here, but I am going to resurrect this blog practice writing and to try to promote myself.
What am I going to be writing? I have a fantasy story rolling around my brain, a sci-fi short story written and being edited and a Shadowrun short story. A fair bit of writing is coming out.
On a more personal note, I am officially divorced for about a year. In the recent past I have bailed on engineering and tried to go to teacher's collage. Right now, I am not able to work due to my mental illnesses, so I am trying to find a way to bring in some extra money. I am still gaming, but I am fighting to go out. I have joined an ADHD community which is helping me a great deal. The community is giving me some much needed perspective.
Goonius out.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Saturday, August 31, 2013
The Alaska Highway
This week I am traveling up the Alaska Highway, near to where I spent some of my most formative years. Tungsten, NWT. I was very young at the time, before school age. I started school in a one room classroom with grades kindergarten to six being taught by a single harried teacher. Apparently, when I was in grade two in Toronto, they did an IQ test on the class. I aced it, except for one question that was regarding snow. I, having lived my memorable life in the north, had a distinctly different view of snow than the test creators. This has cemented my understanding that IQ tests are not trustworthy if administered by a real person capable of finding out why a question was "wrong".
But, the drive up here is gorgeous. I landed in Edmonton yesterday and got on the Alaska Highway today. There have been picturesque farmlands and gorgeous woodland. I believe that there are very few places in our country that are not pretty, but this area is gorgeous. Until you hit the towns. In general, Canadian's can build pretty cities, but when it comes to little mill, mine, oil or other natural resource towns, they are ugly. They occasionally have a giant thing to prettify the area. Wawa has a giant goose. A town we passed through had a giant beaver (no jokes please). And the construction has been somewhat weird. I am used to road construction in Ontario, which follows specific passes. But, in Alberta and BC they have very different methods and equipment. It has been an education.
Goonius out.
But, the drive up here is gorgeous. I landed in Edmonton yesterday and got on the Alaska Highway today. There have been picturesque farmlands and gorgeous woodland. I believe that there are very few places in our country that are not pretty, but this area is gorgeous. Until you hit the towns. In general, Canadian's can build pretty cities, but when it comes to little mill, mine, oil or other natural resource towns, they are ugly. They occasionally have a giant thing to prettify the area. Wawa has a giant goose. A town we passed through had a giant beaver (no jokes please). And the construction has been somewhat weird. I am used to road construction in Ontario, which follows specific passes. But, in Alberta and BC they have very different methods and equipment. It has been an education.
Goonius out.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Painting Models
I have recently gotten back into miniature gaming. What is miniature gaming? I'm glad you asked. It is where you play a game by moving little toy soldiers around on a table using a tape measure or ruler and fight using rules and dice/cards like in a board game. These games come in all genres, from sci-fi to fantasy to steam punk. But, one of the major problems with this kind of game is that the models are generally supplied unpainted and unassembled. So, in order to have a good looking force, the models should be painted (and assembled). So, find yourself some good glue, some small paint brushes and several shades of your favourite colours of paint and lets go.
Step 1: Cleaning the Model
This is where you cut the model out of any plastic sprues and get rid of any excess stuff left from the molding process. It is a good idea to wash your models to get rid of any excess stuff that may have aquired during the molding and shipping process. Resin models, in particular, are prone to having a "release" agent on them. This agent helps them slip out of the mold easily, but coats the model meaning that any paint applied may flake off.
Step 2: Assembling The Model
This is were you good glue comes in. Some form of super glue is a good idea, particularly when gluing from one type of material to another. Often, when gluing a model together, gaps will become apparent between pieces. These gaps should be filled with an epoxy resin and shaped to make the gaps disappear while integrating seamlessly with the model. This is a very difficult thing and something I do only in the direst of situations.
Step 3: Priming
Get some spray primer from your local hardware store and prime your models. The most common colours for priming are white, grey and black, but you can experiment with other colours and use these as your base coat. Make sure to coat the model completely, from all angles, but not to spray to much on. You don't want to lose the detail of the models to the primer.
Step 4: Painting
Paint your model. A quick google search will give you thousands of websites telling you how to paint your models. My preference is to let simple colour schemes with bold colours rule the model and let the browns and greys take up the detail work like belts and scabbards.
Step 5: Basing
Here is where you can use your wood glue. The simplest method I have found to base a model is to get some beach or aquarium sand and glue this to the base. Then, this area should be painted to look like what ever you want the model to be standing on. Another simple yet effective method is to take some scraps of cork and glue them to the base. This can then be painted to look like rubble.
Step 6: Sealing
This is the final step in getting your model ready to play. Spray a sealer on it. The exact nature of the finish you want will depend on your model. A shiny finish works well on your knights, but may not be so effective on rogues. This will keep the paint on your model from wearing off.
And now your model is ready to play with.
Goonius Maximus
Step 1: Cleaning the Model
This is where you cut the model out of any plastic sprues and get rid of any excess stuff left from the molding process. It is a good idea to wash your models to get rid of any excess stuff that may have aquired during the molding and shipping process. Resin models, in particular, are prone to having a "release" agent on them. This agent helps them slip out of the mold easily, but coats the model meaning that any paint applied may flake off.
Step 2: Assembling The Model
This is were you good glue comes in. Some form of super glue is a good idea, particularly when gluing from one type of material to another. Often, when gluing a model together, gaps will become apparent between pieces. These gaps should be filled with an epoxy resin and shaped to make the gaps disappear while integrating seamlessly with the model. This is a very difficult thing and something I do only in the direst of situations.
Step 3: Priming
Get some spray primer from your local hardware store and prime your models. The most common colours for priming are white, grey and black, but you can experiment with other colours and use these as your base coat. Make sure to coat the model completely, from all angles, but not to spray to much on. You don't want to lose the detail of the models to the primer.
Step 4: Painting
Paint your model. A quick google search will give you thousands of websites telling you how to paint your models. My preference is to let simple colour schemes with bold colours rule the model and let the browns and greys take up the detail work like belts and scabbards.
Step 5: Basing
Here is where you can use your wood glue. The simplest method I have found to base a model is to get some beach or aquarium sand and glue this to the base. Then, this area should be painted to look like what ever you want the model to be standing on. Another simple yet effective method is to take some scraps of cork and glue them to the base. This can then be painted to look like rubble.
Step 6: Sealing
This is the final step in getting your model ready to play. Spray a sealer on it. The exact nature of the finish you want will depend on your model. A shiny finish works well on your knights, but may not be so effective on rogues. This will keep the paint on your model from wearing off.
And now your model is ready to play with.
Goonius Maximus
Monday, August 26, 2013
Gaming with ADHD
I have decided to put up a few musings about my biggest hobby. Board games, role playing games and miniature games. Boy, that is a lot of games. I like most games and will play them with anyone, but not everyone understands why. And there is a reason. As I have stated previously, I have ADHD. This means that I focus on a great deal of little things easily, but I can have a difficult time focusing on one thing in particular. Most people would think that playing a game would cause me to become bored and lose focus, but in fact the exact opposite is true. In any of the games that I play, there is so much going on that I can focus everything and not be distracted. Plus, these games have people in the same room as me that I can interact with. If I am just having a conversation, I can get bored and lose interest. However, talking over a game of cards does not allow that to happen. It is a fascinating aspect to my otherwise frustrating condition.
Goonius Maximus
Goonius Maximus
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Long Wait Time
There has been a major wait time between posts on this blog. I am sorry for that, but if you have been reading what I have been writing, you will know that my life has been somewhat up in the air for quite some time. I am trying to get back on track and do a blog post a week or so and give you some idea of what I have been up to for the past while.
On a bittersweet note, I will be getting officially divorced by sometime in October. The court system here tends to run slowly in the summer. On the one hand, I loved my woman and feel that I deserved better than she gave me. On the other hand, things were spiralling out of control and something needed to change. I do not think that a divorce was necessary, but I will be damned if I will hang around somewhere I am not wanted. I can only hope that there is someone out there waiting to meet me that will offer me the love and attention I deserve.
On a more fun note, I went to GenCon last weekend. It was a blast. There were folk groups in costume, acres of boobs on display and all kinds of games. Board games, live action games, miniature games... It was unreal. To think that there were 40,000 people like me in one place for four days. The mind boggles at the concept.
On a bitchy note, there seems to be little work in my field right now and I may have to leave the support network I have created here in order to get gainful employment. That sucks, because I have been trying to create this network for quite some time. And I have put myself on the line in the attempt to find people who will help me be myself. It is not easy for me to be myself, as I feel that I am much to low to be wanted. And so I fake it. I create a fake self in order to interact with others in what I imagine is a reasonable fashion. Fortunately, I have found a group of people that I feel comfortable being myself around. It has been a great relief to know that I can interact with people without needing to fake myself, but I need to translate that good work that I have done for myself to the real world. Part of me thinks that I should get a nice, simple retail job. There would be a paycheque and something to do every day, but I know that I bore easily. I do not know if that is the right place for me.
So, my life is on an upswing now, even though I am living with my parents, living with a mental illness and struggling with my ADHD. I am attempting to rock.
Later,
Goonius Maximus
On a bittersweet note, I will be getting officially divorced by sometime in October. The court system here tends to run slowly in the summer. On the one hand, I loved my woman and feel that I deserved better than she gave me. On the other hand, things were spiralling out of control and something needed to change. I do not think that a divorce was necessary, but I will be damned if I will hang around somewhere I am not wanted. I can only hope that there is someone out there waiting to meet me that will offer me the love and attention I deserve.
On a more fun note, I went to GenCon last weekend. It was a blast. There were folk groups in costume, acres of boobs on display and all kinds of games. Board games, live action games, miniature games... It was unreal. To think that there were 40,000 people like me in one place for four days. The mind boggles at the concept.
On a bitchy note, there seems to be little work in my field right now and I may have to leave the support network I have created here in order to get gainful employment. That sucks, because I have been trying to create this network for quite some time. And I have put myself on the line in the attempt to find people who will help me be myself. It is not easy for me to be myself, as I feel that I am much to low to be wanted. And so I fake it. I create a fake self in order to interact with others in what I imagine is a reasonable fashion. Fortunately, I have found a group of people that I feel comfortable being myself around. It has been a great relief to know that I can interact with people without needing to fake myself, but I need to translate that good work that I have done for myself to the real world. Part of me thinks that I should get a nice, simple retail job. There would be a paycheque and something to do every day, but I know that I bore easily. I do not know if that is the right place for me.
So, my life is on an upswing now, even though I am living with my parents, living with a mental illness and struggling with my ADHD. I am attempting to rock.
Later,
Goonius Maximus
Monday, February 13, 2012
Seperation Anxiety
My lady has recently asked for a separation. Not a trial separation, either, but a full out we are getting divorced separation. She was right to ask for a separation, because we needed it, but I am unsure whether two people who still love each other as much as we do should be going for a full on separation to divorce.
It seems strange and unfair. I have stuck by her and all the difficulties she has gone through and made myself sick in the process. And she decides to end it without giving it a real try. I know life is not fair, but it should be fairer than this.
I miss her.
It seems strange and unfair. I have stuck by her and all the difficulties she has gone through and made myself sick in the process. And she decides to end it without giving it a real try. I know life is not fair, but it should be fairer than this.
I miss her.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Freedom Sucks
I have sprung myself from the clutches of a mental institution (I finished my program there) and the real world is way harder than living in the institution. People do not understand how easy the world is when you are inside an institution. I am not sure, but people coming out of jails, juvie, long hospital stays and work in mine/lumber camps often feel the same way. In the other place everything is organised; your meals are prepared, there are people to look after you and there is a predictable schedule.
And then there is the time-dirty reality outside the walls. Where life has no schedule except what you give it and no one is looking after you. It is a harsh switch to have to make. I am trying to keep myself to a timetable, but it is hard when there is no one but yourself to keep you on track. My life has now become an attempt to keep me occupied and doing the things that will keep me healthy.
Wish me luck,
Goonius
And then there is the time-dirty reality outside the walls. Where life has no schedule except what you give it and no one is looking after you. It is a harsh switch to have to make. I am trying to keep myself to a timetable, but it is hard when there is no one but yourself to keep you on track. My life has now become an attempt to keep me occupied and doing the things that will keep me healthy.
Wish me luck,
Goonius
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
Self Esteem and Mental Patients
Being a mental patient is a strange experience for me. I am in a wonderful hospital with wonderful staff, volunteers and various strips of crazy folk. I feel strange. There is a new stigma attached to me, in addition to my mental illness and learning disability. Now, I have been in a funny farm. I am trying to cut out the labels from my life, trying to cut out words like "broken", "wrong" and "outside" as they apply to me. Self esteem building is what I am trying to do. Unfortunately, there is no formula for fixing self esteem, no process by which self esteem can be generated externally. It needs to grow from within.
And it is delicate. Fragile like a southern flower in Timmins. The smallest thing can pull me down and it can take weeks for me to grow myself back into shape. But I am becoming more resilient. Thanks to being a mental patient in a mental institution. Treat food and exercise as medicine. Do not isolate yourself. Reach out and help as that will help you.
I am trying to be a good citizen and get back to being productive. I am months away from that, but I am getting better. I hope you are all pulling for me.
Goonius Maximus
And it is delicate. Fragile like a southern flower in Timmins. The smallest thing can pull me down and it can take weeks for me to grow myself back into shape. But I am becoming more resilient. Thanks to being a mental patient in a mental institution. Treat food and exercise as medicine. Do not isolate yourself. Reach out and help as that will help you.
I am trying to be a good citizen and get back to being productive. I am months away from that, but I am getting better. I hope you are all pulling for me.
Goonius Maximus
Saturday, January 01, 2011
Feeling Good
Today I woke up happy. I did not feel numb, not broken, lost or out of place. I did not even feel content. I was happy. For the mentally ill in the western world, Christmas is a loaded time. In addition to what ever difficulties one is already facing, the Christmas need for good cheer can be overwhelming. now that Christmas is done and over with, I can feel myself easing up on myself and the restrictions I place on myself.
The week prior to Christmas, my lady and I went and exchanged gifts with out friends. That was a very good thing, but seeing so many people in such a short period of time was difficult. I was so tired of painting masks over myself that I did not get to spend the time with my sister-in-law and her husband that I wanted to. And I hid out at home playing Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood with my doggies.
I am sad that I missed out on that opportunity, but I needed to chill out on my own. Sorting out my place in the world, redefining myself, all that bullshit that keeps me hiding in my home away from the world. My place is fluid in the world and I am trying to realign my thinking to that end.
Sorry for the rambling post, but I hope you will understand that I needed this on "paper" to remember that I had a Happy Day.
Thanks for listening,
Goonius Maximus
The week prior to Christmas, my lady and I went and exchanged gifts with out friends. That was a very good thing, but seeing so many people in such a short period of time was difficult. I was so tired of painting masks over myself that I did not get to spend the time with my sister-in-law and her husband that I wanted to. And I hid out at home playing Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood with my doggies.
I am sad that I missed out on that opportunity, but I needed to chill out on my own. Sorting out my place in the world, redefining myself, all that bullshit that keeps me hiding in my home away from the world. My place is fluid in the world and I am trying to realign my thinking to that end.
Sorry for the rambling post, but I hope you will understand that I needed this on "paper" to remember that I had a Happy Day.
Thanks for listening,
Goonius Maximus
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Darkness within Darkness
I find myself at the precipice of losing my mind to anxiety or depression again. My new head shrinker has me on a very good new med that is keeping me more focused, but it sets my heart racing. This feels much like an anxiety attack and so I now have no clue weather what I am experiencing now is a proper anxiety attack or a side effect. The med is assisting my focus; I have been cleaning the house up on my own for the first time is a long time. I find myself sliding back and forth between feeling very good about myself to feeling like Golum of Lord of the Rings. A hated, slimy, dark thing that when exposed to the sun is seen to have the hydrocarbon coated soul of a deamon. A thing even the goblins feared.
And fear. Never in my life have I known such fear. The fear of being noticed doing something out of the ordinary, the fear of being too ordinary, the fear that someone will find out the black truth about me. Yet, the truth is that I am not a hated, slimy, dark thing. Though, goblins do still fear me. Those things do not keep the friends that I have. The friends I have who stay with me and believe in me and try to push me towards a mirror so that I might see myself as they do.
Whom do I trust if I cannot trust myself?
And fear. Never in my life have I known such fear. The fear of being noticed doing something out of the ordinary, the fear of being too ordinary, the fear that someone will find out the black truth about me. Yet, the truth is that I am not a hated, slimy, dark thing. Though, goblins do still fear me. Those things do not keep the friends that I have. The friends I have who stay with me and believe in me and try to push me towards a mirror so that I might see myself as they do.
Whom do I trust if I cannot trust myself?
Monday, June 21, 2010
Circles of Shadow
I stand apart, looking out
past a shadow clinging to me
eclipsing my personal light
Looking around, I see
bright glows from others
their shadow seems less
The air resists my movement
a wind felt only in the pressure
against my struggle for change
When I have found a suitable
resting point, my shadow again falls
forcing my sight to look out again.
Looking at the world
I wish
I was part of it.
past a shadow clinging to me
eclipsing my personal light
Looking around, I see
bright glows from others
their shadow seems less
The air resists my movement
a wind felt only in the pressure
against my struggle for change
When I have found a suitable
resting point, my shadow again falls
forcing my sight to look out again.
Looking at the world
I wish
I was part of it.
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
Renewed Wrong
I have tried to post here for some time. My life has spiralled away from me, and talking with you seemed to help in the past. I am at a loss.
I am again off work due to brain issues. I panic at the thought of responsibility, when once I coveted it. There seems to be a stain on my personality that I am attempting to cover up. I am scared, even in places where no one knows me, that someone will see through this wrongness in me. That they will notice the stain and... mock me or something. Three shrinks are working on me now and progress is being made, but I know that depression/anxiety is more like diabetes than a broken arm. A broken arm heals and is whole again, where diabetes must be managed as an eternal condition.
And that sucks.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Fighting Boredom
Bored.
Bored, bored, bored, bored.
Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored.
My ennui is growing lately. I am trying to find excitement, but it is eluding me. Like the reflection of a spark on the water when I reach for excitement I find the cold and wet feeling of fear. I feel lost and alone. Again.
Hopefully now that I have named this, I can go on to confront this. I do not wish to lose myself again, not when I have so recently found myself.
Thanks for listening,
Goonius
Bored, bored, bored, bored.
Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored.
My ennui is growing lately. I am trying to find excitement, but it is eluding me. Like the reflection of a spark on the water when I reach for excitement I find the cold and wet feeling of fear. I feel lost and alone. Again.
Hopefully now that I have named this, I can go on to confront this. I do not wish to lose myself again, not when I have so recently found myself.
Thanks for listening,
Goonius
Monday, April 06, 2009
Paying Attention in a Failing Economy
One of the most frustrating limitations that I have as a person is that I do not pick up on hints. It is not something that I can do well. At work these last couple of months, there has been an impression of words going over my head again. That is more that a bit frustrating. It becomes even more frustrating because I have a difficult time distinguishing between slips of the tongue, back handed complements and actual praise.
Now work is slowing down for me. There is work on the horizon, but not work right now. And so I wonder if there is a layoff in my future. I do not think so, but the possibility is there. So, I now am worrying about that and what people say to me seems layered with meaning. And I am not in a good frame of mind to decode secret messages.
Fuck 'em. I will continue to do as good a job as I can, and let the chips fall where they may.
Now work is slowing down for me. There is work on the horizon, but not work right now. And so I wonder if there is a layoff in my future. I do not think so, but the possibility is there. So, I now am worrying about that and what people say to me seems layered with meaning. And I am not in a good frame of mind to decode secret messages.
Fuck 'em. I will continue to do as good a job as I can, and let the chips fall where they may.
Monday, January 19, 2009
New Trumpet
I have joined a local concert band. My trumpet playing is not great, but it gets the job done and I am enjoying it. But, I do not own a trumpet of my own. So, a deal was struck. My lady needs a soprano sax. I need a trumpet. If we save, we should be able to afford those sometime in mid-April. It should be noted that my lady already owns an alto sax and a tenor sax. Also, a soprano sax costs about $3,000, where my trumpet costs $300. At some point I will have to leverage this disparity into something. Suggestions are welcome.
Goonius
Goonius
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Things for the Good
I am going to try a positive post, as I have noticed that my last few posts have be been rants of an angry sort. This is not the frame of mind I am trying to project these days. So, the good things that are happening (in list form);
1. I have a great wife, who is becoming more and more comfortable with herself and me.
2. I got a raise. Not a huge raise, but money is money.
3. I have job security, which in this time is important to remember.
4. There are two dogs that are generally good and like me.
5. I have a large and widely scattered group of family and friends who will back me up even if they have not seen me for a long time.
I am doing good. I just need to remind myself of that.
Thanks,
Goonius Maximus.
1. I have a great wife, who is becoming more and more comfortable with herself and me.
2. I got a raise. Not a huge raise, but money is money.
3. I have job security, which in this time is important to remember.
4. There are two dogs that are generally good and like me.
5. I have a large and widely scattered group of family and friends who will back me up even if they have not seen me for a long time.
I am doing good. I just need to remind myself of that.
Thanks,
Goonius Maximus.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Merry Fucking Christmas
This Christmas is going to be awkward. My in laws have just begun divorce proceedings. Whee, that makes a great topic for the dinner table after exchanging gifts. "So, your marriage of 30 years is down the tubes? I am sorry to hear that. Pass the gravy, please?"
I don't quite know how to respond to this. My family is far from perfect, but my mom and dad are together and have always been together. They may have hunted dinosaures together back in the day. They still are wandering around the North West Territories together. And I thought the same of my in laws. But there was always something not being said around the table, the missing words an undercurrent to all that was being said. I have come to know that my mom is unique in dealing with things as they are in a family situation. Dad can hide his thoughts a bit, but will gently try to find the source of the problem. And I get pissed off with dealing with only symptoms.
In this case, it is not appropriate for me to go digging for the truth. I have no real clue why my in laws have split up. But, I don't think that the split will actually solve any problems. I know there was no infidelity, no abuse, no concrete reason I can find for them to have gone there separate ways.
I am left confused and unable to sate my curiosity. That is the root of my discomfort. But the symptoms rough as well. With whom does my sister in law stay when she comes up? Where will Christmas dinner be? If my lady has difficulties that she needs a parent for, where does she go? Will the other parent be upset for not being picked? Many of these questions have been resolved for this Christmas, but they will have to be revisited for every holiday from now on.
Questions without answers. That is the untidy part of my world these days.
Thanks for listening.
I don't quite know how to respond to this. My family is far from perfect, but my mom and dad are together and have always been together. They may have hunted dinosaures together back in the day. They still are wandering around the North West Territories together. And I thought the same of my in laws. But there was always something not being said around the table, the missing words an undercurrent to all that was being said. I have come to know that my mom is unique in dealing with things as they are in a family situation. Dad can hide his thoughts a bit, but will gently try to find the source of the problem. And I get pissed off with dealing with only symptoms.
In this case, it is not appropriate for me to go digging for the truth. I have no real clue why my in laws have split up. But, I don't think that the split will actually solve any problems. I know there was no infidelity, no abuse, no concrete reason I can find for them to have gone there separate ways.
I am left confused and unable to sate my curiosity. That is the root of my discomfort. But the symptoms rough as well. With whom does my sister in law stay when she comes up? Where will Christmas dinner be? If my lady has difficulties that she needs a parent for, where does she go? Will the other parent be upset for not being picked? Many of these questions have been resolved for this Christmas, but they will have to be revisited for every holiday from now on.
Questions without answers. That is the untidy part of my world these days.
Thanks for listening.
Monday, December 01, 2008
Angsty Poetry
As I crash into the void of my heart
A thought occurs:
If this is nothing,
Why does it hurt?
A thought occurs:
If this is nothing,
Why does it hurt?
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Sex and Drugs
Sex should be fun. Sex should not be something to hide from, not something to cause one to cringe away. However, due to what has happened with my lady and the meds that I am on, that is what sex has become for us.
The brief moments of sensual connection are replaced by fear on my part. I am afraid that I am pushing to hard for sex, that I am moving to fast and will trigger a flashback in my lady. But I deserve something physical, right? I am her lover.
She is afraid that if something does not happen, I will be disapointed and leave her. Then, the dissapointment she feels with herself sets in. "Why can't I do this? It is natural and good, right? But I feel all disgusting and ashamed."
And so the situation spirals out of control. I want something natural, cannot have it and pressure her without meaning to. My lady feels the pressure, tries to act in concert with what she is feeling and realises that she cannot because she feels broken and unworthy. And unless one of us is in a perceptive mood, this spiral can only end poorly.
The most frustrating part of this is that my lady wants some good lovin'. She does get aroused, but the feelings confuse and frustrate her. She is unable to act on those feelings or to acknowlage them as being normal. And my meds make it difficult to "get off". So, those rare times when we can be intimate, she can end up feeling even worse because I do not finish.
Thanks for listening.
The brief moments of sensual connection are replaced by fear on my part. I am afraid that I am pushing to hard for sex, that I am moving to fast and will trigger a flashback in my lady. But I deserve something physical, right? I am her lover.
She is afraid that if something does not happen, I will be disapointed and leave her. Then, the dissapointment she feels with herself sets in. "Why can't I do this? It is natural and good, right? But I feel all disgusting and ashamed."
And so the situation spirals out of control. I want something natural, cannot have it and pressure her without meaning to. My lady feels the pressure, tries to act in concert with what she is feeling and realises that she cannot because she feels broken and unworthy. And unless one of us is in a perceptive mood, this spiral can only end poorly.
The most frustrating part of this is that my lady wants some good lovin'. She does get aroused, but the feelings confuse and frustrate her. She is unable to act on those feelings or to acknowlage them as being normal. And my meds make it difficult to "get off". So, those rare times when we can be intimate, she can end up feeling even worse because I do not finish.
Thanks for listening.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Of Muck and Mire
Over the last three days, I was doing a good job. I came home and the good feeling left me. When I have been away for a time at work, I sometimes have a rough time adjusting to being home again. My lady has been sick to her stomach for some time now and is a bit touched in the head from her last therapy session. And I am exhausted. If you can avoid it, never go tramping about the swamps of northern Ontario in November. Try to keep your sanity and knock your face into a wall. It is less painful and is over faster.
I don't know if because I am a big boy with small feet that I sink into swamps easier, but I spent most of Tuesday with two boots full of cold water tramping about looking for snow concealed muck pits. My toes may never forgive me. Add to that, I was having difficulty eating. I never managed to stir my lazy carcass out of bed with enough time for breakfast and I worked through the lunches. I had big dinners, but I missed my three squares a day for no good reason. All this, plus being away from my support makes maintaining my mental health difficult.
So, the Muck and Mire of my title is not only in the real world, but in my mind as well. I am beginning to want to write black poetry and my wrists are itching to be scratched open to let the bad out. I have been putting one foot in front of the other with out a plan for too long, I think. Now is the time look to the horizon, to get the itch to move out of the mire and on to other things.
Fair winds
I don't know if because I am a big boy with small feet that I sink into swamps easier, but I spent most of Tuesday with two boots full of cold water tramping about looking for snow concealed muck pits. My toes may never forgive me. Add to that, I was having difficulty eating. I never managed to stir my lazy carcass out of bed with enough time for breakfast and I worked through the lunches. I had big dinners, but I missed my three squares a day for no good reason. All this, plus being away from my support makes maintaining my mental health difficult.
So, the Muck and Mire of my title is not only in the real world, but in my mind as well. I am beginning to want to write black poetry and my wrists are itching to be scratched open to let the bad out. I have been putting one foot in front of the other with out a plan for too long, I think. Now is the time look to the horizon, to get the itch to move out of the mire and on to other things.
Fair winds
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