Questions and Recruiters

Today, I have questions spilling out of me. These questions are of a personal nature, but I will share them with you.

Question the First...

What am I doing?

This may seem like a no brainer question, but it has strong ramifications. I am doing engineering, but I seem to be finding less and less joy in it. The work is tedious and repetitive (at least the work that I am doing now) and I have been locked in the lab for a good long time. And I hate the lab with a passion that is beginning to boarder on insanity. Which leads me to

Question the Second...

Should I go?

I have been receiving calls from an executive recruiter. Do I chase him down and jump ship? Perhaps my difficulty is with something more fundamental. A am beginning to think that a career change may be in order. My lovely lady expressed the opinion that I would make a good teacher.

Question the Third...

Who am I?

A basic and fundamental question with no real answer. I have many talents and many weaknesses, but my sense of identity has always been very fluid. No one aspect of my self rises above the others to claim precedence. I joke about being an engineer, but that is more of a cover that disguises my lack of a real identity.

My wife, bless her, holds my hand as I struggle to rise above myself. In spite of her ongoing and increasingly complicated difficulties, finds some energy somewhere to help me out. For this, and many other things, I thank you sweet heart.

Thank you for sharing my rant.

Goonius Maximus

Retraction

I had intended to post this as soon as I found out my error in my media rant. I was mistaken in my assertion that the media only focuses on race when a minority is involved. My estimation of the media in this country had improved significantly. I do, however, stand by my statements regarding the treatment of the Goth culture in the media. It is pretty rough.

Once a Goth...

The universe is again playing tricks on us mere mortals again. I heard about the 25 year old Goth with a Mohawk that shot up a school in Montreal. That is horrible, but not what I am here to talk about.

What I want to talk about is the way the media seems keen to report that this atrocity was committed by a member of the Goth community, who looked a bit weird and wore a trench coat. He had written on his website condemning all people save a select few whom he liked. He had pictures of himself on this site with guns and knives that were captioned with messages of hate. In short, he had a website that I would not touch with a ten foot pole. However, the media seems do be ripping into this website for condoning this action.

If a person commits a murder/suicide and leaves a note, does the media go after the paper manufacturers? The fact that he was writing what he wrote is not a cause of the shooting, nor should the forum in which he chose to publish his thoughts to be held responsible for an adults act. The writing and pictures were a symptom of a larger problem and I seriously doubt that the lack of a Goth blog would have prevented the tragedy. Allow me to pose an alternate scenario.

A portly 40 year old balding man walked into the school and shoots up the place. Would the media mention that he was going bald? Does your hairstyle determine weather you have violent tendencies? Is a mullet more or less violent that a Mohawk? I also notice that the man's race was not mentioned. I assume he was white as race was not mentioned. If he was of another race, that surely would have hit the news hard. "A young black\Arab\oriental man was found..." I have heard that phrase many times. Never have I heard "A young white man was found..."

Am I the only one who sees this as wrong?

Back in the Office

In a clear departure from the way that my life has been going thus far this year, I will be in the office this week. I will admit to a certain amount of nervousness about returning to the mother ship after such a long absence. The nervousness takes the form of me not wanting to go into work at all. But, I have arrived at work today in the morning, at a reasonable time. Who would have thought that I would be cheering myself for getting to work on time?

Anger.

I was recently angry. I have not been properly pissed for quite some time. Or, more specifically, I have not let the anger out. And there is a lot of anger sitting inside me, from this damn job, from what is happening to my wife and just generally being upset with myself. Yesterday, a mountain was made out of a mole hill on the job site and I lost it. I raised my voice (in response to a raised voice), I questioned, I argued and when I was done I panicked. Anger like that has not seeped out of me for a long time. However, my frustration did not take me over. I was in control, and that is a feeling that I have never really experienced. My emotion was channeled in a non-destructive fashion.

I am not proud that I lost it, but I am oddly proud that I managed to direct it better that I have ever directed it before.

Things are looking up.

My first day back a work (up in the great white north) has been a rain day. The powers that be up here are all a-quiver with rumors regarding the mergers with Inco and Falconbridge. Rumor has it that the top 36 big wigs in Falconbridge are going to be eliminated with Falconbridge's merger with Extrata (I hope I spelled that right). Basically, they are more worried about other things than me. That is a good position to be in.

Good Bye, Grandma

At about 6:15 pm last night, my Grandma died. I will miss her.

My Grandma

As it stands now, my Grandma is dieing. She had a stroke about a month ago that had her in a hospital for that entire time. I went to visit her once or twice (it is hard for me to make it down more often because of work) and sometimes she remembered me. She seemed to have fun scolding me when she did recognize me.

My Grandma is wonderfully independent and this being in the hospital is very hard for her. Apparently, she has bitten the nurse that was attempting to give her some pills to calm her down. She hates the diaper she is forced to wear and takes it off given any opportunity.

I will remember her as she was when I was little. My siblings would hide under the beds in Grandma and Grandpa's room, hiding. Chris and Jenn slept with Grandma and I slept with Grandpa. And those nights are some of the most comforting nights I have ever had.

I will miss you, Grandma.

Home, please.

I wish I had a chauffeur to take me home when I leave. A chauffeur would allow me to nap on the way home, so that I would not have to take a nap half way through my trip home or risk driving into a rock cut. It would cut the trip down by half an hour. Plus, someone else would be dealing with the possibility of speeding tickets.

Construction Accident

Check out the fun and damage noted in these pictures. It seems to be a mechanical failure. The guy driving the truck is OK, but he could easily died. 'Twas a bad day yesterday.

Games and Gaming

Let me preface this by saying I am a bad man.

I am also a gamer. And not just a Risk gamer, but someone who loves pretty much any type of game out there. From computer, to board, to role playing and beyond. The games are currently stored in a large bin and on one complete bookshelf in my home. The question is why do I play these games?

I like the company. I like to stretch my mind. That is pretty much it.

To me, playing a game is not about winning or loosing (unless someone is being a prick), but about getting together with some buddies and having a good time, within the structure of a set of rules. If those rules need a map of earth and several plastic pieces, so be it. Should the rules require a certain amount of theatrics, so be it. The important thing is the friends.

But, my knowledge of games does make me a bit of a geek. I know what the zerg are, what the major differences between 3.0 Edition and 3.5 Edition Dungeons and Dragons and what the strengths and weaknesses of the factions within the Warhammer 40,000 universe. If there is a more nerdy combination, please let me know.

Recently, I have been looking more at the structure of the games than the pretty models, graphics or books and have begun trying to find games with interesting, yet simple, game concepts. My brother and I have been apart on and off for quite some time. He took the brunt of my habit. He and I tested out our many new game acquisitions. Now, the burden of my gaming habit falls to my wife. My long suffering wife, who's prior nerdyness stopped with an enjoyment of Star Trek, The Next Generation. Now, she has become not just a willing participant but an enthusiastic instigator in a string of games ranging from Dungeons and Dragons to Settlers of Catan. My wife's nerd factor has risen very high. She has even begun making gaming related jokes. As she is a teacher, it sometimes helps. She startled two students printing out gaming materiel in the school library by knowing the game they were playing.

For taking a lovely, normal woman and creating a gamer out of her, I am a bad man. I am also oddly proud. Love you, sweet heart.

Dominance Issues

I swear, the contractor and the site manager are determined to turn every little disagreement into a pissing contest. They fought for two days about removing some material from site that did not need to be removed and left me caught in the middle. I am getting tired of babysitting two teenagers who reminisce about the days of old and seem determined to prove that they run the job. To add to this fun, this verbal brawl occurred when all the big wigs showed up on site. And there is nothing like the gleam of sun off a string of shiny white hardhats to intensify the pressure of a skirmish of this nature.

We are having fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun up here in the 30 degree weather in the boiling north.

Northern Sibling

For the record, I have one little brother and one little sister. The sister is chasing her calling in theatre in Halifax, while my brother headed north.

My little brother is hiding up in the great white north. He is living in Yellowknife, North West Territories and working in one of the remote mines. As I have never been to Yellowknife, I will post a couple pictures of the town for your enjoyment. The thriving downtown of yellowknife is first shown. Second, a large house that is an example of what Yellowknife's rich people live in. Lastly, part of the Giant Mine's infrastructure is shown overlooking Great Slave Lake.

Small Triumph

As I gaze over my virtual desk top, organizing things into something resembling order, I glance over at my list. I am done!! I have been drowning in paperwork due to my own laziness for the last three days. But I am now officially caught up. However, my ecological footprint has doubled in size due to my paper and electron output. Ah, the cost of business.

Northern Ontario

There are some differences between Northern Ontario and Southern Ontario (I use caps, as Northern Ontario will be its own province someday :)). Today, I will explain one or two of them.

There are the obvious linguistic differences. The obvious differences are sledding/sliding, cottage/camp and snowmobile/snow machine. And I tend to use the southern versions of these words, due to the fact that I spent a large part of my childhood in residual (north western Toronto). But quite apart from the vocabulary, northerners are less guarded in the speech. Where as city born southerners are generally hipper yet closed, while the rural southerners tend to consider their speech carefully. I have no idea why this is, but it is true. As someone who went to university in the south, I was told that I had a Northern Ontario accent. When I came home for Christmas, I had apparently developed a Southern Ontario accent.

Furthermore, there is a cultural wave washing up from the south. Of the shows are set in Ontario, how many of them are set in Northern Ontario? The same applies, though to a lesser extent, to print media and music. If one wants to find media from Northern Ontario, one really has to look. Though this may be largely due to the comparative populations of Northern and Southern Ontario, it still does piss people off.

However, these minor linguistic and cultural differences are not the major things that separate north from south. The major difference between Northern Ontario and Southern Ontario is the same as the difference between Canada and the United States. Now, I will not go off on a rant about the U.S. (but I could), but in general Canadians feel ignored and slighted by the Uncle Sam. There is a feeling of being looked down upon and an assumption that we will toe their line. The only time we seem to get noticed (either Canada, or Northern Ontario) is when we stand up and refuse to agree with what the larger community is saying. So we get ignored even more, and slapped with the whiner label.

And that is unfortunate. Because that means that neither community is listening.

Heat.

Man, today was hot. Like, up in the 25 degree range. Man, if it was not for the wind blowing over the wide open spaces on site, this would be truly unbearible. That, and my sweet air conditioned rented truck. And the air conditioned trailer. I pity the poor folks sweating it out in tropical Sudbury, or (god forbid) Toronto. Sometimes, spending time in the cool north is good.

Have fun...

More Stories?

Let me know if you would like me to post some more stories.

Thanks.

The Mountain With a Cave

Once upon a time, there was a Mountain. It was a lonely Mountain, jutting up out of a rolling plain. The peak was blue and marbled, with a brilliant white snowcap. No one had ever seen the top of the Mountain, as a gray cloud mat covered the peak for miles around. The Mountain could see all around herself, but all that was visible was the gleaming white tops of the clouds.

Then, the weather shifted. The rains came and tickled the feet of the Mountain. The snowcap receded and revealed a Cave, high above the clouds. This was a frightened Cave, and had made the weather cold so that the ice and snow would cover her. She was afraid of the world. But, still the Cave was curious. And so the weather warmed and the rains came. And all the Cave could see was the tops of the white fluffy clouds.

So, the Cave took a big breath and drew some of the clouds inside of her self. Suddenly, the world of white turned green as the fields and forests became visible. The flowers and animals were visible as bright spots of colour against the green background. As the Mountain looked around in horror, her entire world had shifted from one of endless white to a cacophony of colour pasted on a green background.

Fear shook the Mountain. The Cave got frightened. The weather got colder and the clouds rolled back. Once again, the snow and ice covered the Cave. Once the clouds had resumed their white hiding of the world below, the Mountain calmed herself. And the Mountain’s world became calm and serene again.

After some time had passed, the Mountain wanted to see the green and the flowers again. She tried to coax the Cave into action, but the Cave was scared. The Mountain’s reaction to the last time she saw the clouds had frightened the Cave very badly. The Cave did not want to inspire such fear. Gently, the Mountain coaxed the Cave to show the fields again. And the weather got warmer.

Soon, the Mountain gazed at the fields and forests in wonder. The vivid reds, yellows and blues of the flowers sharply contrasted with the lush greens of the grass and trees. The Cave was happy to bring such joy, though the clouds were not completely gone. And the Mountain reveled in the new details and colours.

And the Cave’s only regret was that she could not remove all the clouds.

Hey, Dawg.

I have not mentioned that I have acquired a new dawg. He is a red boarder collie and matches the current black boarder collie. Sadly, as I have been isolated up in the far north, I missed Loki coming home. And I also missed Merlin's (the first dawg of mine) reaction to Loki, which has, apparently, been very cute. The picture with this post has my lady, and both dawgs. Enjoy.

Two Evils

I am feeling a lot of anger today. Work is being super stressful, in spite of the beautiful weather that I am experiencing. I am currently thinking homicidal thoughts about two very specific people. One person deserves it and the other does not.

To begin, I will discuss the lesser of my two evils. The clients representative and site manager is a low tech, stamp collecting, long-winded story telling, lonely old man. Ordinarily, I could handle a person such as this. My patience with people is generally not too bad (while my patience with things… I will leave for another blog), but after dealing with this man for two months, my patience is nearing its limit. The computer the client gave him is slow and unwieldy. However, his lack of understanding of some basic computer functions makes it very difficult for me to work with him. If I send him an email with more than one attachment, he gets upset. This is because he cannot then forward the one important attachment from my email to his boss. The only way that he can forward attachments to other people is by forwarding the entire email. I did somewhat lose my temper with him today regarding that. I suggested that perhaps he should take a basic computer course. It might make his life easier. His response was “That’s not my job.” Yet, nowhere in my job description does it say Information Technologist. Still, I have difficulty condemning a person whose only crime is ignorance. Even if the ignorance is somewhat willful.

The greater evil is someone who did something very bad to my lady, when my lady was only a little girl. My lady has begun to remember these bad things slowly over the last three years or so. When she first told me she knew who it was who had done this to her, my reaction was immediate and visceral. My lady’s sister was there when the angry side of me envisioned, with crystal clarity, a wooden baseball bat with a railway spike driven through it. This was to be my weapon of vengeance. I have since gone through many other implements of destruction whenever the stress becomes too much for me to deal with. From axes, to picks, to an imitation katana of my brother’s, all have been tools in my mind to bring home the message that children should not be touched that way. I do not think I could ever plan to do anything to this man. However, if I ever meet him again, I do not know what I would do. I would hope I could keep my temper, but I do not know if I could. My current, slightly more rational, revenge fantasy, is to go into his workplace and ask, loudly, how he could do this to her. And then refuse to leave until the authorities were called. Again, I will not do this, but it is a thought that rolls into my head from time to time.

Unfortunately, stress causes anger in me. A t-shirt at a truck stop explained stress to be very well one time:

“Stress is the body’s confusion when the mind will not beat the shit out of someone who really deserves it.”

So, now I practice just letting everything go. It does not always work, but is works sometimes. I will find my peace, with my lady, in the lakes and the stars.