Fire and Fog

I look for fire today. I seek passion and union. A thick fog causes me to lose my way. Which way do I turn? Every glow I follow leads me down a broken bridge, a deep pond or ends in swamp glow.

So, I continue to chase likely glows. Hoping that I may find the one that leads to my prefered campfire. I fight my way in the dark in an atempt to find my fire, my passion.

There has been to much fog in my life.

Of Pain and Shadows

In momments my day goes dark.
What once was a bright and new,
Has fallen down
With the wieght of mercury.

I hide the new pain,
Adding it to the old,
Not wanting to give this shadow
To a friend.

Flutters of the Heart

My heart pounds in my chest in fear,
You lie curled up, hands shaking at your head
A fire in your insides
That arrives from the past.

Then my heart pounds faster,
As the rage inside me wells up,
At my own impotence
While you rock gently in my arms.

And then I worry
When heart skips a beat,
And I can feel the touch of you
When you are accross the room.

Dragon Talking

My last post was composed using Dragon Naturally Speaking. It is the easiest words have flown out with me on to paper or computer ever. It was an interesting experience, and I like it. Please let me know what you think.

There be Monsters

I am forever surprised at the nature of the human monster. I am surprised by the kind of things that people can do to other people. Whether they were documented historically, from Roman times, or during World War II or the things that happened to my wife.

Most recently, and most frighteningly, my wife had a flashback while walking the dogs the other day. When we were three houses away from home. She very nearly could no longer walk due to the strength of her flashback. In bygone eras, these symptoms would merely be labelled as crazy. And she would be expected to get on with her life. In our more enlightened time, she is getting the support she needs from councillors, from work and from family. And I'm grateful for the support.

However, in spite of all this help, she still has difficulties, some three years after beginning treatment. And while what happened to her may not compare with what happened to others during World War II or during the Roman era, what happened to her was bad enough. It makes me angry that a life can be stolen with such ease. The world continues to turn. My anger and pain will not change that. Patience remains my most difficult virtue to practice.

A Fight With the Wolves Inside

I look at myself in a mirror,
The two sides of myself I see
My wolf of noble intent and strength
Contends with the black wolf of me.

These wolves circle around myself
And I wonder which will win
As I look for a hint of who's stronger,
The brawl increases the din.

I clap my hands over my ears,
I beg for the two to stop
They remain a ball of teeth and fur
And neither one will drop.

And I realize that they are me,
And only I am the judge.
I must pick one o'er the other.
One wins, the other must budge...

While this battle is done,
The war still rages afar.
The wolves come back, now and again
And I must choose a winner.

Doctor's Orders

My family doctor has "suggested" that I stay home from work for the next couple of weeks. My concentration is down and I am making amateur mistakes at work. And I crashed my truck not to long ago. And my appetite is down. And I am not sleeping well. And there are a couple of other symptoms of a fairly deep depression.

So, I am currently spending my days playing with my dogs, reading novels, and getting some work done around the house. Our place has been a bit of a disaster over the holidays, and there are several little things that need fixing or upgrading that I have been trying to find the energy to deal with. My shrink thinks that my activities are good, but it feels like to little to me. There is nothing that deals with the root causes of the difficulties I am having in my plans. And there is little I hate more than being unable to deal with problems head on.

Awash in a sea of grey,
A gull cries again,
I walk alone.

A Thing Thing

I realise that my posts have often been depressing and complaint ridden. Alas, I can find no other easy outlet for my ongoing frustrations beyond laying them on your shoulders. My current rant (that you are reading, pour souls) begins and ends with my lady Sandra.

Lately, my wife has begun to remember another assault on herself. This one was committed when she was a bit closer to sexual maturity, when she was in grade eight. This has set our relationship back a fair ways in terms of many things. Lately, she has be having difficulty being in the same bed with me (let alone being intimate). And I now have another individual who needs to be beaten with a baseball bat with a railway spike through it.

I do not blame my wife for the difficulties that she is having. In what way can any of this be her fault? We have a saying her and I. "Its not a good thing; its not a bad thing; its a thing thing." Some times something just is and it has no moral value. A rock, a sense of humor or freckles are not good things or bad things. They just are. In a similar vein, I must remind myself that this is not her fault, nor is it my fault. It is like a car crash where a drunk driver walks away, while the occupants of the other car are injured permanently. Except these acts do not even have the tenuous excuse of "I was drunk at the time."

In the future I hope to have a string of more positive posts. Until then, thank you for allowing me on your couch.

Questions and Recruiters

Today, I have questions spilling out of me. These questions are of a personal nature, but I will share them with you.

Question the First...

What am I doing?

This may seem like a no brainer question, but it has strong ramifications. I am doing engineering, but I seem to be finding less and less joy in it. The work is tedious and repetitive (at least the work that I am doing now) and I have been locked in the lab for a good long time. And I hate the lab with a passion that is beginning to boarder on insanity. Which leads me to

Question the Second...

Should I go?

I have been receiving calls from an executive recruiter. Do I chase him down and jump ship? Perhaps my difficulty is with something more fundamental. A am beginning to think that a career change may be in order. My lovely lady expressed the opinion that I would make a good teacher.

Question the Third...

Who am I?

A basic and fundamental question with no real answer. I have many talents and many weaknesses, but my sense of identity has always been very fluid. No one aspect of my self rises above the others to claim precedence. I joke about being an engineer, but that is more of a cover that disguises my lack of a real identity.

My wife, bless her, holds my hand as I struggle to rise above myself. In spite of her ongoing and increasingly complicated difficulties, finds some energy somewhere to help me out. For this, and many other things, I thank you sweet heart.

Thank you for sharing my rant.

Goonius Maximus

Retraction

I had intended to post this as soon as I found out my error in my media rant. I was mistaken in my assertion that the media only focuses on race when a minority is involved. My estimation of the media in this country had improved significantly. I do, however, stand by my statements regarding the treatment of the Goth culture in the media. It is pretty rough.

Once a Goth...

The universe is again playing tricks on us mere mortals again. I heard about the 25 year old Goth with a Mohawk that shot up a school in Montreal. That is horrible, but not what I am here to talk about.

What I want to talk about is the way the media seems keen to report that this atrocity was committed by a member of the Goth community, who looked a bit weird and wore a trench coat. He had written on his website condemning all people save a select few whom he liked. He had pictures of himself on this site with guns and knives that were captioned with messages of hate. In short, he had a website that I would not touch with a ten foot pole. However, the media seems do be ripping into this website for condoning this action.

If a person commits a murder/suicide and leaves a note, does the media go after the paper manufacturers? The fact that he was writing what he wrote is not a cause of the shooting, nor should the forum in which he chose to publish his thoughts to be held responsible for an adults act. The writing and pictures were a symptom of a larger problem and I seriously doubt that the lack of a Goth blog would have prevented the tragedy. Allow me to pose an alternate scenario.

A portly 40 year old balding man walked into the school and shoots up the place. Would the media mention that he was going bald? Does your hairstyle determine weather you have violent tendencies? Is a mullet more or less violent that a Mohawk? I also notice that the man's race was not mentioned. I assume he was white as race was not mentioned. If he was of another race, that surely would have hit the news hard. "A young black\Arab\oriental man was found..." I have heard that phrase many times. Never have I heard "A young white man was found..."

Am I the only one who sees this as wrong?

Back in the Office

In a clear departure from the way that my life has been going thus far this year, I will be in the office this week. I will admit to a certain amount of nervousness about returning to the mother ship after such a long absence. The nervousness takes the form of me not wanting to go into work at all. But, I have arrived at work today in the morning, at a reasonable time. Who would have thought that I would be cheering myself for getting to work on time?

Anger.

I was recently angry. I have not been properly pissed for quite some time. Or, more specifically, I have not let the anger out. And there is a lot of anger sitting inside me, from this damn job, from what is happening to my wife and just generally being upset with myself. Yesterday, a mountain was made out of a mole hill on the job site and I lost it. I raised my voice (in response to a raised voice), I questioned, I argued and when I was done I panicked. Anger like that has not seeped out of me for a long time. However, my frustration did not take me over. I was in control, and that is a feeling that I have never really experienced. My emotion was channeled in a non-destructive fashion.

I am not proud that I lost it, but I am oddly proud that I managed to direct it better that I have ever directed it before.

Things are looking up.

My first day back a work (up in the great white north) has been a rain day. The powers that be up here are all a-quiver with rumors regarding the mergers with Inco and Falconbridge. Rumor has it that the top 36 big wigs in Falconbridge are going to be eliminated with Falconbridge's merger with Extrata (I hope I spelled that right). Basically, they are more worried about other things than me. That is a good position to be in.

Good Bye, Grandma

At about 6:15 pm last night, my Grandma died. I will miss her.

My Grandma

As it stands now, my Grandma is dieing. She had a stroke about a month ago that had her in a hospital for that entire time. I went to visit her once or twice (it is hard for me to make it down more often because of work) and sometimes she remembered me. She seemed to have fun scolding me when she did recognize me.

My Grandma is wonderfully independent and this being in the hospital is very hard for her. Apparently, she has bitten the nurse that was attempting to give her some pills to calm her down. She hates the diaper she is forced to wear and takes it off given any opportunity.

I will remember her as she was when I was little. My siblings would hide under the beds in Grandma and Grandpa's room, hiding. Chris and Jenn slept with Grandma and I slept with Grandpa. And those nights are some of the most comforting nights I have ever had.

I will miss you, Grandma.

Home, please.

I wish I had a chauffeur to take me home when I leave. A chauffeur would allow me to nap on the way home, so that I would not have to take a nap half way through my trip home or risk driving into a rock cut. It would cut the trip down by half an hour. Plus, someone else would be dealing with the possibility of speeding tickets.

Construction Accident

Check out the fun and damage noted in these pictures. It seems to be a mechanical failure. The guy driving the truck is OK, but he could easily died. 'Twas a bad day yesterday.

Games and Gaming

Let me preface this by saying I am a bad man.

I am also a gamer. And not just a Risk gamer, but someone who loves pretty much any type of game out there. From computer, to board, to role playing and beyond. The games are currently stored in a large bin and on one complete bookshelf in my home. The question is why do I play these games?

I like the company. I like to stretch my mind. That is pretty much it.

To me, playing a game is not about winning or loosing (unless someone is being a prick), but about getting together with some buddies and having a good time, within the structure of a set of rules. If those rules need a map of earth and several plastic pieces, so be it. Should the rules require a certain amount of theatrics, so be it. The important thing is the friends.

But, my knowledge of games does make me a bit of a geek. I know what the zerg are, what the major differences between 3.0 Edition and 3.5 Edition Dungeons and Dragons and what the strengths and weaknesses of the factions within the Warhammer 40,000 universe. If there is a more nerdy combination, please let me know.

Recently, I have been looking more at the structure of the games than the pretty models, graphics or books and have begun trying to find games with interesting, yet simple, game concepts. My brother and I have been apart on and off for quite some time. He took the brunt of my habit. He and I tested out our many new game acquisitions. Now, the burden of my gaming habit falls to my wife. My long suffering wife, who's prior nerdyness stopped with an enjoyment of Star Trek, The Next Generation. Now, she has become not just a willing participant but an enthusiastic instigator in a string of games ranging from Dungeons and Dragons to Settlers of Catan. My wife's nerd factor has risen very high. She has even begun making gaming related jokes. As she is a teacher, it sometimes helps. She startled two students printing out gaming materiel in the school library by knowing the game they were playing.

For taking a lovely, normal woman and creating a gamer out of her, I am a bad man. I am also oddly proud. Love you, sweet heart.

Dominance Issues

I swear, the contractor and the site manager are determined to turn every little disagreement into a pissing contest. They fought for two days about removing some material from site that did not need to be removed and left me caught in the middle. I am getting tired of babysitting two teenagers who reminisce about the days of old and seem determined to prove that they run the job. To add to this fun, this verbal brawl occurred when all the big wigs showed up on site. And there is nothing like the gleam of sun off a string of shiny white hardhats to intensify the pressure of a skirmish of this nature.

We are having fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun up here in the 30 degree weather in the boiling north.